The Worst Pair of Jeans $168 Can Buy


SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF FACEBOOK. THEY’RE ADDING A NEW FEATURE
THAT WILL ALLOW PEOPLE TO USE FACEBOOK AS AN ONLINE DATING
APP. FACEBOOK MIGHT BE GOOD AT THIS. THEY ALREADY DID SUCH A GOOD JOB
MATCHING UP AMERICAN VOTERS WITH RUSSIAN TROLLS. I THINK IT WOULD BE FUN! HERE’S THE THING. HASN’T FACEBOOK
ALWAYS BEEN A DATING SITE? SPECIFICALLY, FOR MARRIED MEN IN
THEIR 50s WHO LEAVE THEIR WIVES AFTER RECONNECTING WITH
THEIR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART. THAT’S IT, ISN’T IT? I’M NOT SURE FACEBOOK
UNDERSTANDS WHY WE USE FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK ISN’T FOR FINDING
DATES; IT’S FOR FINDING PEOPLE WE USED TO DATE. THEN WE SILENTLY JUDGE THEM. FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES,
THAT’S THE ONLY USE FOR FACEBOOK. YOUR EXISTING FRIENDS ONLINE
WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR DATING PROFILE. AND YOU THOUGHT FACEBOOK HAD A
PROBLEM WITH FAKE NEWS BEFORE. “JAMES CORDEN, 28-YEARS-OLD
6’2″, LOVES TO HIKE.” MEANWHILE, INSTAGRAM JUST
ANNOUNCED THEIR OWN NEW UPDATE, THEY’LL BE ADDING A NEW
ANTI-BULLYING FILTER TO WEED OUT INSULTING COMMENTS. ONCE BULLYING IS REMOVED FROM
INSTAGRAM, YOU’LL ONLY BE ABLE TO FIND IT ON EVERY SINGLE OTHER
WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET. (LAUGHTER)
>>James: BUT A BULLY FILTER IS A GREAT IDEA. AND THEY SHOULD BE APPLAUDED FOR
THIS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE EVEN MORE USEFUL? A BRUNCH FILTER, AS SOON AS
SOMEONE POSTS A PHOTO OF THEIR AVOCADO TOAST, THEY’RE
IMMEDIATELY REMOVED FROM THE SITE. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>>James: AND JUST IN TIME FOR PROM SEASON. A HIGH SCHOOL IN
MICHIGAN HAS FACED A BACKLASH AFTER ANNOUNCING THAT FEMALE
STUDENTS WHO ATTEND PROM WEARING REVEALING DRESSES WILL BE GIVEN
SOMETHING CALLED “MODESTY PONCHOS.” YES, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW BARE
SHOULDERS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS THING THREATENING SCHOOL KIDS
THESE DAYS. (APPLAUSE)
>>James: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO PROMOTE WHOLE SOME VALUES, LIKE
THE WHOLESOME SCENE OF A 64-YEAR-OLD
SHOP TEACHER STARING AT A FEMALE STUDENT AND SAYING
“HEY! YOU LOOK WAY TOO HOT TONIGHT.” I’LL TELL YOU, THE WEIRDEST PART
OF THIS STORY, ALL THESE YEARS “MODESTY PONCHO” IS HOW I’VE
REFERRED TO MY SPEEDO. I’M NOT EVEN JOKE! (LAUGHTER)
>>James: AND SOME HUGE NEWS OUT OF THE SCIENCE WORLD. A NEW SPECIES OF
WATER BEETLE DISCOVERED IN MALAYSIAN BORNEO HAS BEEN NAMED,
AND THEY’VE NAMED THIS BEETLE AFTER THE ACTOR LEONARDO
DICAPRIO. TO WHICH LEONARDO DICAPRIO SAID,
“THANK YOU?” I GUESS? COINCIDENTALLY, MALAYSIAN BORNEO
IS ALSO WHERE LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S NEXT GIRLFRIEND
WAS BORN IN 2001. AND FINALLY, WE HAVE TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THIS. A COMPANY HERE IN LOS ANGELES IS
NOW SELLING WHAT THEY’RE CALLING “EXTREME CUT-OUT” JEANS FOR
$168. WE’VE GOT A PICTURE OF THEM
HERE. LOOK! HONESTLY, IT WOULD BE LESS
EMBARRASSING TO JUST NOT WEAR PANTS. ARE THEY THE MOST TRADITIONAL
JEANS? NO. ARE THEY COMFORTABLE? ALSO, NO. BUT APPARENTLY, THESE EXTREME
CUT-OUT JEANS ARE SELLING WELL. BY ALL ACCOUNTS. MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY TRICK YOU
INTO THEIR STORE WITH A SIGN SAYING “80% OFF ALL JEANS.” COMMENT ON! DON’T YOU DARE. DON’T YOU DARE MADAM, IT’S NOT
FUNNY ENOUGH FOR YOU TO APPLAUD. THAT MAN BEHIND YOU, HE LOOKED
AT THAT JOKE WITH THE DISDAIN IT DESERVES. THESE JEANS ARE GREAT, YOU CAN
WEAR THEM ANYWHERE… EXCEPT TO PROM IN MICHIGAN.

67 comments

  1. Facebook is not just for dating, it's also for talking about your mundane life in real time, making sad profiles for your pets and sharing trite slogans and psycho-babble!

  2. Omg he’s finally seen my comments and has given up the anti Donald trump agenda jokes!!! Thanks James

  3. Is the poncho for shoulders or breasts; because, there are a lot of wardrobe malfunctions that occur at prom. I could actually understand the concept if it is for the breasts.

  4. Facebook has been predicting when people would start dating or break up for over 6 years now. They use an algorithm that looks for overlapping friend networks and frequency of posts / messages between potential daters. Target uses similar tech to predict which coupons to send to which customers and has actually busted several pregnant teen girls by sending them baby coupons before they'd told their parents they were pregnant.

  5. Modesty Burka …..Good lord … the US faught Nazis, Islamist you name it … but they want to use all the …good …things they have to offer

  6. Wow, all this time I thought James was a disembodied head with hands waving around in space. He actually has a body attached to all that! Whoda thunk it.

  7. You remember when you once got something stuck to your pants? Now you have an opportunity to get it stuck right to your bare buttock.

  8. Soooooooooo…getting new species named after u is almost as easy as getting a Oscar…🙄

    Leonardo deserved both.😍

  9. you have the really poor wearing clothes with holes in because that's all they have bless them, and the really stupid ridiculously rich people spending a fortune on clothes deliberately made with holes in just for fashion. just pay the poor people the money instead for their clothes, the rich can wear the crap and the poor can buy decent stuff to wear, both will be happy. 😁😋

  10. One time I went to a new school and I wore a tang top the… I was called to the principles office FOR SHOWING MY SHOLDERS!! I'm not making this up. I asked why her exact word were… "it is against school policy for a student to show their sholders." I just kinda dat their and gave her a look that said 'wat?'

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