Sebastian Maniscalco Tried To Baptize His Jewish Baby | Netflix Is A Joke


– Now I was dealing with the whole, you know, we got a Jewish baby. I’ve got, my side was
like, “What you gonna do? (audience laughing) “How you gonna raise the
baby, what you gonna do? “No Christmas, you’re
not gonna have a tree?” (audience laughing) Lot of people deal with this. “Well, you know, her family
is more religious than us.” (audience laughing) So I’m trying to figure out how I could appease my family, okay. So here the woman comes in for the bath. She’s like, “We’re here to have “your daughter Seraphina
for her first bath.” I said, “Oh, okay.” I go, “Babe, we’re gonna go,” she goes, “Oh, no, no, no,
one parent, only one parent.” I said, “Okay, babe, take care of the tar, “let me go find out
(audience laughing) “what’s happening with bath time.” (audience laughing) Now, I thought there was gonna
be a beautiful porcelain tub, some candles dimly lit,
little Kenny G. playing. (audience laughing) And then it hit me, I
was gonna try and sneak a baptism into the bath.
(audience laughing) I figured if I went to the death floor and found a priest giving last rites, I’ll ask him, “Do you wanna come up to 5 “and baptize a Jewish baby “so my mother and father get off my back?” (audience laughing) So now we take the baby home,
nobody tells you nothing, we’re just gonna figure it out. One month in, baby starts crying. It’s a cry we’ve never heard before. And we do everything as
a duet, me and my wife. If the baby’s crying, we get up as a, feed, we feed together,
everything is a duet. This is not how my father
and mother worked it. (audience laughing) If I was crying, my father, “Go get it! “I gotta work!”
(audience laughing) “Do you wanna kiss the–”
“I won’t kiss it! “I gotta work!”
(audience laughing) But now, 2018, everything’s a couple, we share the duty.
(audience laughing) So my wife checks the baby, she’s like, “She got a stuffed up nose.” Now, babies can’t blow their
own nose, I didn’t know this. (audience laughing) I thought they just (mimics baby sneezing) and then, you know,
sneeze and shit came out. I’m like, I didn’t know that
we had to assist in this. My wife gives me this apparatus. It’s like a bullet you put in the nostril and there’s a hose attached
and you’re at the other end. And I go, “Babe, what
are you, you want me to, “you want me to suck
the snot out of her nose “and then swallow that? “I’ll do it if that’s what this requires, “but shouldn’t we read
the box or google it?” (audience laughing) So here I am, 3:00 a.m., in my underwear, (audience laughing) with the tube up my
daughter, (sucking loudly) (audience laughing) My wife’s like, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “There’s
supposed to be a filter.” I go, “There’s no filter, I got it. (audience laughing) “I got it right here,
I got it right here.” (audience laughing) Like, who woulda known that
this woulda been it, I mean? I’m going back to bed with my wife, I go, “Nine years ago, if I’d told you “I was gonna be sucking snot
out of our daughter’s nose “in my underwear with
my left nut hanging out, “would you woulda still done it?” (audience laughing)
(gentle music)

97 comments

  1. Any baptized Christian can baptize. Add water and baptize in the name of the F, S, and HS. Probably not Kosher to do it when the parents don't agree, but just sayin'.

  2. It’s sad how dehumanized the hospital birth has become to where parents think it’s normal that a complete stranger TELLS YOU, the parent, when your baby will get his first bath. Also these strangers decide “no, only one parent.” The worst part is, the parents blindly go along with it!? So f*cking gay – especially of the so-called fathers, to just acquiesce like a slave.
    How about you say “no, BOTH PARENTS, because it’s OUR kid.
    Obviously

  3. I will say it, i think he is funny but not stand up comedy funny, and for sure not an international one.
    He is loud, his jokes are shallow, old style and he compensates poor stories with funny body movements. More like a clown to me …

  4. There are pictures of my Dad sucking snot out of my nose when I was baby with his mouth directly on my nose. That's how I know this man would take a bullet for me!!!

  5. So if the mother’s vagina is Jewish, the baby is Jewish. If the mom is a gentile, she must convert. What a reasonable religion.

  6. My husband was approached by a group of Jamaicans at a public beach who insisted he was Sebastian Maniscalco. We tried to explain that he wasn’t Sebastian but they were having none of if. Said it was okay if he wanted his privacy and all. Sebastian is famous worldwide like that.

  7. This guy is okay but seems to really appeal to those simpleton types that have gut wrenching laughs while watching some crappy sitcom

  8. The beginning was hilarious, from middle to end not so much. Seemed maybe like he didn’t check this material enough? Otherwise great comic overall.

  9. I remember his earlier routines talking about how he was so well groomed, so well dressed, and how ppl disgusted him, just by how they dressed.

    Now he's talking about sucking snot with one ball out. 🤣

    A baby is the great equalizer. The things we do for love!

    (Gotta hand it to him though, he still dresses nicely to go out. And he helps with the baby. Much respect.)

  10. Can you imagine that? A jew broad prejudiced against italians?cmon henry I'm trying to bang this broad.she wont go out alone with italians.

  11. It’s true. My wife and I chat about it sometimes. Like if you were born a man in 1940-1990, you’ve most likely been in one delivery room your whole life. Now we’re corner trainers in a life and death fight that we are not equipped for.

  12. No such thing as a Jewish baby. So called Jews today are just a club made up of non religious Zionists that support the murder of Palestinians and write checks as a form of dues to stay in good graces with their fake Joo bosses that own their Hollywood contracts. U wanna make it in Hollywood u gotta kiss up to the Pink Mafia. I mean think about Robert Deniro converted to Judaism… Nonsense. Those checks go straight to the bank of Rothschild's.

  13. He is not Italian and probably neither are the 95% of Americans that they call themselves Italian

    I’m Italian; I was born in Italy to Italian parents ; so please stop calling yourselves Italian ; you probably don’t even speak Italian or even worse u don’t even know the capital of Italy

    This goes for Jews ; please no one but no one call themselves by religion first ; in other words ; just say I’m Israeli or the nationality of the country u were born ; stop with the I’m Jewish before anything else

    Thanks

  14. I thought it just said he was baptizing a Jewish baby like… just one he met in an elevator or Macy's or whatever.

  15. This made me remember babies not being able to blow their own noses but I never heard of the filter thing. Can't remember what we did but whatever, she turned out beautiful…

  16. These type of Brooklyn 80's retards are long played out. Who in their mind think being stupid and sounding stupid is cool? smh To be intelligent is hot. Give me a CEO,a sexy Wall Street guy any time. mmmhmmm.

  17. I Know exactly what he's talking about i had to go through almost the same experience with my two children but lucky for me we had those suction bulbs that would pump out the mucus lol

  18. ok as soon as he mentioned sucking babys snot out….im out. sorry if i ever have kids, i WONT be doing that. talk about the family. thats my favorite.

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