Ozzy Man Reviews: PANDAS Part 2


Welcome back. Let’s look at more pandas falling out of trees, doing commando rolls, and just generally being clumsy entertaining bastards. It must be so much fun to just get drunk every day and not give a shit. This panda is like “I’m gonna do a shot of absinthe at 10AM and climb this dead tree. No one can stop me. I wanna live my life on the edge. The very edge.” This is like a dangerous internet trend. One panda sat at the very top of a tree, and got lots of views and likes and attention, and now all these other pandas are trying to fucken mimic it. Hashtag dodgy treetop challenge. Look at this chilled wanker. He’s got his own private pool. I’m jealous to be honest. Humans are going extinct too and we don’t get to live in this amount of luxury for free. He is having an absolute blast. Splashing, laughing, he’s probably got some sheilas coming round in the next hour. He’s like “yeah, come have a shot of absinthe in my jacuzzi. Pre-drinks. We can have pre-drinks at my enclosure and then head to the panda club at 10. It’s gonna be lit as fuck. Yeah he eah! We’re gonna rage all night. I know the owner, I reckon that OG will let us in for free. Wait a sec. I’m stuck on my back. I’m floating away from the ledge. Holy shit. I’m DROWNING! Glen! Glen! Oi zookeeper! Glen! Turn the hot tub off! I’m caught in a fucken undertow mate! Turn it off. Turn the bubbles and the jets off. No joke. I’m going under. Quit screwing around. Hang on. I can roll over. Alright yeah nah nah nah. I’m good. Phew. I need a bloody nap after all that excitement.” “Oh! Here I go. Ahhhh no I’m gonna fall. Emergency roley poley. Emergency roley poley. Get to the muster point. Emergency roley poley. HA HAAA!” Honestly, I do think watching a panda eat bamboo is one of the most relaxing things in the world. (Chewing). Yeah it makes me happy. Look I’m not jealous of them. I could drink absinthe and eat my favourite snack all day too, I just choose not to. I don’t want heart disease and cirrhosis of the liver ya know? But… they can go for it. Yeah nah yeah yeah they can go for it. I do wish that they’d stop this dodgy treetop challenge, though. How is it their rotund bodies can take such a fucken pounding? Someone explain the science to me. Please, thank you. Overall, I have said it before. The world would be a boring place without these cumbersome cheeky dickheads, so high five for pandas. Another big enthusiastic high five for pandas everyone. (Chewing) Glen! Glen! Glen!

100 comments

  1. That's so funny because… Wait why is it funny? Oh yeah because he may or may not have an Australian accent! Now that is clever?????

  2. Lol, him chomping on that bamboo is hilarious for some reason. Then again, it’s 6 in the morning on a Saturday and I’m baked as fuck before rolling into work.

  3. Interesting panda fact almost nobody knows … Wild Pandas eat MEAT! … like around every week, or every other week, this was known in the early 1900's (I found it in a very old book) and only recently re-discovered … There are STILL Scientists who insist that pandas don't eat meat but they are wrong. The reason pandas can survive in captivity without meat, is they are given vitamins and minerals on a daily basis.

  4. I wanna go on record and be the first to say, pandas are on there way to being donesticated. I want a pet panda let's make it happen.

  5. I have this weird theory that pandas arr just genetically engineered animals. That they were never on the verge of extinction. They are being made.

  6. Pandas are to Bears what Vegans are to Humans
    Adorably unfit to survive.
    But they're just so precious , aren't they? Bless their hearts.

  7. You would never see any other bear flapping about in a false state of panic like that lol a. Carelessly splashing its feet.

  8. 394 wankers who don’t know the meaning of “emergency roley poley” but do know where to stick their thumbs…
    Cheers to absinthe and bubble baths! And being recreated as a panda after death.

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