Ozzy Man Reviews: Animals Relaxing


G’day. Welcome to Animals Relaxing. Pour yourself a beer and let the stress in
your life melt away. There’s a bloody misconception about Australia that our native fauna is trying to kill everyone. Not true! Look at this quokka! Happy, smashing a leaf, chill AF. Wombats can be grumpy bastards. Thankfully, this fella has learnt how to manage his anger. He lays around and farts all day. (Loud Farting!) That’s not even a sound effect I’ve added, it’s real! “Oh yeah. That’s what I need. I feel so good— DID I SAY YOU COULD FUCKIN’ STOP! Mmmm. That’s the spice. Sorry for me outburst, work has been rough as guts lately. KAREN STOP STOPPING!” This is it. The pinnacle of Head Scratch technology. I present the iSrcatch. This kitty is making human affection redundant. This one is unwinding with its kinky Adam’s Family sex toy. “Go on slip a finger in my butt hole. Do it.” And release… (Loud Farting!) Do not let this little guys perfectly spherical and weirdly relaxing haircut fool you. He is MORBIDLY depressed. “Yeah spike my hair, I want it nice and pointy at the top. Real pointy please. And can you also do a skin fade under the neck. Yeah do a fade. I want it to look like Ronaldo, like he has that little cut in the top there, if you could do that please. Ah shit I’m falling. Fuck. Fuck sake! This dog is like “who left the fuckin’ mull-brownies on the patio last night?” (Slurping sounds) “Oh this window tastes like balls.” “Who’s a dirty dog?” “Ahh me?” “Yeah, that’s right. You’re a dirty nasty boy.” “I am. I am.” Seals are so relaxed they’ve evolved into living water beds. Squishy squish. Fuck yeah. Jiggle its belly. You guys were right. I thought it was an insane idea to bring me, a real cow, to Burning Man, but I gotta tell you I haven’t felt this good in years. Can I hug you? I really wanna hug you. Whatever you gave me is making everyone huggable.” Real smacky. “Hello? Tim, is it? I’m Bruce, a fully qualified contractor. The lads at the head office told me you were having problems with your big pumpy thing and—er, oh excuse me. I don… I don’t think that’s appropriate. Like I said, I’m a fully qualified—er, oh ho hoo! Oh my belly. That feels delightful.“ …so yeah, then after art school I realised, there was no real work and—oh we’re stopping? That’s it, that’s it? Alright, well fine. Screw you. “Ohhhhaaaaawwwwaaaaaa… Yaaay! You putting me to sleep. I don’t wanna go to sleep.” There isn’t really a joke here. Sloth’s are just fair dinkum’ bloody adorable. Look at the little wanker. Somewhere Kristen Bell is breaking down in tears. Definitely. Right, well, that’s my video on animals in various states of relaxation. Let’s end today on this alligator proving even the most Apex of Predators enjoys a head scratch. Secretly he’s thinking “as soon as the camera stops I’m gonna rip this dickheads head off.” -“aaw…!”

100 comments

  1. β€œdon’t let this little guys perfectly spherical and weirdly relaxing haircur fool you, he’d morbidly depressed.”

    it me

  2. β€œdon’t let this little guys perfectly spherical and weirdly relaxing haircut fool you, he is morbidly depressed.”

    it me

  3. Indonesian

    Before Ozzy: Spent years in school just to say YES NO OK

    After Ozzy: Fucking finally we learn Fenglish/FackedEnglish faster than never. We can now talk to everyone from Liz's country and all her colonies. Thank you Dickhead

  4. Okay be honest. The Ozzy Man commentary reminds you of the commentaries and sound effects from Australia's Funniest Home Videos, doesn't it!

  5. All cool apart from the last fuck knuckle.
    Literally treating a dinosaur that loves chompy chompy spinny spinny like a puppy.
    Dawin award on the way

  6. 1:25 that's when i went off on one πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Edit: oh that cow one 😊πŸ˜₯ that's made my day
    And the sloth one

  7. G'day mate checkout a chick on youtube called
    Barbara4u2c she's a pretty cool sheila take away the accent she is full aussie lol… i wouldn't normally do this an know you have contact in movie industry lets see if we can give her a bit of a step forward…. if any1 deserves a bit of a aussie push up she does mate and she not a spoiled bratt… we need to get hemsy on the whistle to give her hand with movies…

  8. 1:03 Pomeranians are the most useless dog ever bred. I cant think of anything pleasant about a non-stop barking little shitfuck, covered in fur dragged along all kinds of shit and piss in the street. Imagine all that poop-crust stuck to their asshole-fur and the piss it sprayed all over its legs and belly. And then some ladies put it on their lap, at a cafe sitting by the table!!! YUCK de luxe on a higher level.

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