My mother has a Latin lover
named Julio. That’s the backdrop. That’s just our baseline, okay? And he has a granddaughter,
a four-year-old granddaughter, and she was doing
a little recital. And my mother called me. She was
like, “Come to the recital. It’ll be a family afternoon.” I was like, “Ugh,
a four-year-old dance recital? “Oh, do I want to spend
the afternoon watching toddlers wave at their parents?” No. But that’s all it is
when you’re four. They don’t dance, okay?
They just step-touch and they mouth the words
to that song fromFrozen.And it’s just like…
(groans) It’s like amateur hour,
you know what I mean? I couldn’t imagine it.
Like, if… ‘Cause it costs so much money
and time for the parents, you know what I mean,
going back and forth to these practices
and getting outfits. If I was your parent
and you got up there, you better step ball change,
okay? Do not embarrass me, you know? And it was like… Oh, my God. So, I was sitting there,
I was so bored. I was, like, tweeting, you know? Like, #HotMess, #obligations, #ThisGeneration. I got so angry. But things started looking up, because, after the dancing, kids would come up who had taken singing lessons
or piano lessons, okay? So, this little girl comes up,
all right? Let me paint you a picture,
okay? She’s, like, nine,
ten years old. Caucasian as the day, all right? I’m talking, like, pale, blue veins, big eyes. Like one of those horror movie
white children. Do you know what I mean? Very, like, “Come play with us.” Yeah. That’s what she was doing,
you know? That was her vibe, okay? And she looked so scared,
you know? So I got nervous for her. But she said her name– and this is where I perked up– her name, Tessa Liebowitz, okay? She’s chosen. Are you with me? Are you with me? I’m a future Jewish wife. She chosen.
I’m like, “Okay, Tessa, let me see what you got, boo.” You know? I got excited for her. So, the music came up. I got nervous again.
You want to know why? It was an Adele song. I was like, “Tessa Liebowitz,
you know what you doin’? “You are a baby. This is real.” You know what I mean? So, she’s up there. She looks so nervous. She lookin’
like stranger danger, you know? So scared. But then her cue…
She hears her cue, and she goes from being nervous
to strikin’ a pose, y’all. I was like, “Okay, queen.
Okay, queen.” Okay? She starts singin’
and she’s like… ♪ I let it fall, my heart ♪ (soulfully):
♪ And as it fell… ♪ (screaming) “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Tessa Liebowitz was takin’ it
to church! Oh, my God.
I was like, #Tiebowitz, #GameChanger, #SpiritAnimal,
you know what I’m sayin’? I was about her. And everybody else was, too,
you know what I mean? It was, like,
thunderous applause. We were so excited for some real
talent at that point, you know? So she gave us
what she knew we all wanted, which was an encore, okay? She favored us with an encore. However, this is where
she shows her age, okay? Because little Tess followed the gravitas of Adele with a Disney song. No, no. That’s not what you do. You got to take the listener on
a journey, you know what I mean? And she did that song… You know that song
fromThe Little Mermaid?The one about Ariel
being a hoarder? You know what I mean? ♪ Whozits
and whatzits galore. ♪ You know what I mean? It’s like, “Ariel, why you need
20 thingamabobs?” You know? I’m telling you, if we did
The Little Mermaidnow, we would be finding dead cats
under seashells, okay? It would be an A&E moment.