Men Have Three Types of Orgasms – Whitney Cummings


When I was
trying to figure out what guys
were thinking about, I came across stuff
that was just too discouraging. I came across
an article that said guys think about sex
at least every five minutes. Which that’s like–
disturbing, right? Like, you guys are responsible
for like, really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus
for five fucking minutes… Like, important men
are thinking about sex every five minutes
which is like, Barack Obama thinks about sex
every five minutes. Which probably explains
why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches.
It’s like, dude, get your shit together,
man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him
giving a speech and you’ll see
that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see
sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going
to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to
discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get
on the, uh, brrrr. Dude,
I just saw that, man. You were just thinking
about titties–Afghan titties. I saw it happen. It’s just concerning to me. I feel like
there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need
to…focus. Right? Like, heart surgeons think about
sex every five minutes. And heart surgeries
are like, five hours long, so that’s like, 60 times.
Like, you know heart surgeons are just sitting there
looking at an open heart like, “Yeah, I’d put
my dick in that.” “I said it.” It’s not even weird, though,
that guys think about sex. Like, we’ve accepted it so much
as a society now. It’s so institutionalized,
we’ve embraced it, you know? Like, there’s just
a restaurant called Hooters– that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never
be a restaurant like, that for women, you know,
called like… Dongs. Where all the waiters
were like, in Speedos and shit ’cause that would be a
disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your
flaccid dicks in spandex– I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon. No. No. It’s always
like some weird… …shitake mushroom
coming out. It’s always going up
like, a snorkel. Like, why is it up?
Get it down there! It’s always like,
on one side, all mis– get it–why is it
so misallocated? Disgusting. Like, if there was going to be
a restaurant like, that for women where the waiters
were dressed up to arouse the women
eating there, they would not be
in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits,
carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect
credit reports. ( GIGGLES ) Like, I feel like, girls
don’t need like, sex while we’re doing
our jobs, you know? Right? Like, you would never turn on
the Cooking Channel and see like, a bunch
of shirtless dudes like, “Yeah, girl,
ooh, yeah, yeah. “Just put that butter
on the pan, girl. “Just get it in the roast.” I just realized I don’t know
anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels
just turning there? Like, it wasn’t
even clo– Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that. I think I figured out
why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex
is so much better for guys. You know,
it’s so much easier. Like, for a guy–
sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier
for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like, for a guy
to have an orgasm, it’s just like,–
it’s like, you just… ( SIGHS ) ( GROANS ) Pretty much
all that has to happen. You just have to kind of
walk into something or… …there has to be like,
a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have
narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like, there’s three
basic ones… ( HEAVY BREATHING ) The first one is like,
you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one
is like, you’re puking… ( VOMITING SOUND ) And the third one
is a rare one, but it’s for the guys
that are like, secretly psychos and they hate women
and it’ll come out like, right at the finish line,
you know, like, out of nowhere. They’ll be like, “Yeah,
I love you, I need you, yeah.” “Shut up, you dumb whore!” They’re like, “Oh, no.” “I thought we were in love.” But for a woman to have
an orgasm it is so hard– it is so hard
to have an orgasm. It’s– I cannot wait
to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously,
for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like,–
you’ve got to be like, focused. You have to be like,
emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be
in great shape. And it makes it even harder
’cause you guys watch porn and you think
that the porn stars are having orgasms,
but they’re all faking it. And they make it look
so fucking easy. Porn stars will be just like,’
“Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming,
I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s– she’s coming
down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her.
I can’t compete with that. Like, if your girl
is having an orgasm, she’s not going
“Oh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl
is having an orgasm, she’s going’
“Do not fucking move!” ( YELLING ) I swear to God,
I will fucking kill you. Faster. Slower.
Tell me you love me– you better fucking
mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth
God damn it! ( YELLING ) Pull my hair,
not the extensions! ( YELLING ) Shut up,
you dumb whore! ( SOBS )

100 comments

  1. Say what you want but she does her job! I laughed. Imagine how hard it is to be up there, trying to entertain hundreds of people for an hour or so and then have all these Major League fucksticks shitting all over your show in the YouTube comment section. Can we be a little less douchy towards each other and appreciate the effort others do to make us laugh? Don't like her – don't watch it, easy. It's like eating a bowl of a food you don't like and then complaining that you didn't like the taste. Just stupid.

  2. why among female comedians there is no any comedian who use observational comedy in their shows like men use? why they joke only about sex? such a boring and disgusting!

  3. i don't believe a thing this woman say's, i do believe however, that a guy has never given enough of a fuck about her to simply correctly stimulate her clitoris, which is sad, giving a woman an orgasm is not hard, and it's not rocket science, and with that last name is so ironic i'm not sure if i even believe that

  4. Every five minutes we think about sex blah blah blah but this whole video was about sex… I didnt laugh at anything but the thought of you naked

  5. Lmao you know your job is done when almost every man in the comment is butthurt. Can't take a joke, guys? A few stand ups done by guys use the same tactic or at least get cringey. A comedian once joked about fucking a girl in extreme detail and about getting hair on the tongue and everything else. These shows can use a touch up but they do hold "observation" if you pay attention to it. Also, a few sets now a days are how awful children are, how they hate their kids, how annoying their girls are, fucking, drinking, cheating, how great divorce is and they get credit for it. They get credit for crude shit and praise for saying it. I would take this over those standups. (Lol if you get butthurt by my statement then good for you)

  6. I actually think She is very funny and appeals to the women audience much more because we have these very same thoughts . Off course the guys won't find it funny because you as the subject content and maybe guys are uncomfortable knowing women mock them behind their backs. I can tell you men are the butts of many jokes when it's an all women convo.

  7. I watched this whole thing trying to be fair and open, I only broke from a blank face to a smirk when she started crying at the very end.

  8. I like how so many men have told her ¨Shut up you damn whore!¨ during sex that she thinks it must be some universal male reaction

  9. Complaining about how gross some dicks look. Well pussies don't always look perfect either.

    I bet hers does though.

  10. One of the best female comics and one of the best comedians. Bar none. Whitney Cummings is awesome obviously !!
    Truely a person who speaks from experience and real life in her comedy skits and that's what makes her relatable! $he talks about Real s*** and it's funny as heck Lol always original material

  11. This comment section is filled with a bunch of bitter men who can't get laid getting mad that a woman is being brutally honest. Anybody passing by, don't scroll down any further. Save yourself from this cancer.

  12. I find some of her jokes funny but most of the time she’s explaining too much and it’s leaving me like “wait… thats not making any sense” or “that would’ve been great if it wasn’t dragged on or it was said earlier”. Some of the jokes are good but most of the execution just seems a little poor in some areas. Not bad overall though.

  13. Just once I'd like to see a female comedian talk about something other than sex, it's like they're trying to be edgy rather than funny

  14. The problem is women are having sex with men, so there's no reason to be thinking about it all the time, but men are having sex with women and HAVE YOU SEEN WOMEN?! how could you NOT think of it every 5 minutes well knowing that it exists and that it's pretty much always a possibility? The reason why sex is great is women

  15. Here comes the offended sissies……. Calm your ass down fellas it's just comedy, no reason to get offended, unless it exactly describes yours..

  16. beware watching this, the YouTube algorithms are odd
    I watched one clip of hers, next thing I know there are reviews for self thrusting dildos in my recommended

  17. She ain’t lying lmfao. It’s even more worse if your a guy who naturally has a really high testosterone level like me haha

  18. I went to a hooters once and immediately left the second i went inside the door; it smelled like a crowd of men who didnt wash were in there. Not a good time.

  19. why is this getting dislikes? This was a decent performance. Guys getting soft over the "5 minute" joke she made up?

  20. I love reading comments 🤷🏽‍♂️
    You can tell who's triggered a lot
    13k dislikes…. wowsers
    Don't be so touchy guys

  21. Three minutes into this sketch: the part about sexually arousal in cooking: there is literally a cooking show over here in Ireland, that has an Italian guy, with that Italian accent that he might be putting on for the ladies, going around Italy, with his camera crew, going from farms, to traditional restaurants, traditional kitchens, traditional menus, etc…..I'm presuming it's a fantasy for all that stay at home moms, housewives and women on welfare, to have that sexy Italian man going around Italy, cooking amazing food with local Italians that he meets along the way (obviously pre planned meetings by the TV studio).

  22. Her and Nikk G., same lame style of comedy…..their IQ could come out more in their comedy, but they chose to dumb it down and make basic Guy vs. Girl jokes…its a shame.

  23. Ummm Whitney, that WAS a restaurant https://www.dallasnews.com/food/2018/01/22/tallywackers-dallas-short-lived-male-hooters-wants-to-open-a-new-location/

  24. Even though I know they use it as a material for the joke but to be quite Frank it is extremely easy for a female to have an orgasm. It is only difficult when you are incorporating loving emotion in connection with the person that you're having sex with. Otherwise it really is pretty simple

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