I always ask when I come out, where are the beautiful ladies
in Chicago? Where are the beautiful ladies? [ Cheers and applause ] Alright.
Some of y’all didn’t clap. You okay? The low self-esteem section.
They ain’t say [bleep]. To me, women are crazy, man.
I believe that. I believe that, ’cause
I’m married a long time. That’s why. I feel like — I feel like I could say that,
you know? 23 years, man. Married 23. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s a true story. You know, and this is the thing. People think I have it
figured out after 23 years, and I’m like,
“You know what? Mnh-mnh.” She do stuff.
Like, we went to a wedding. My cousin was getting married,
and we went to a wedding, and she bought a dress
for this wedding that was so small. Women always
got to surprise you with some [bleep]
when you going out. She was like, “Babe, look at
the dress that I’m gonna wear.” I was like, “Wow. Like, I’m no math expert, but when there’s
this much dress, and there’s this much wife…” I said, “Who wearing
this [bleep] tonight?” See, this is the thing. Men, when we see the [bleep], we know there’s a problem afoot. I hear her in her closet,
and she getting dressed, and I hear noises. Just sounds, you know… [ Grunting ] “Ohh! Aah!” I pushed that door open,
and the dress was stuck. And women don’t — They are
the most resilient [bleep]. She just pulling on the [bleep]! “Aah! Aaah! Aah!” They do a — It’s like a dance.
Like a, “Aagh!” I looked in.
I said, “Listen here.” “They’re getting married today.” I wasn’t being mean.
I was being — I said, “Baby,
put something on that fit.” [ Laughter ] You had to see
the way she looked. “Oh. Oh. Oh, you think it doesn’t fit? Is that what you think? Believe me. It fit.” And she took the dress off,
threw it on the floor, and went back in the closet. Women today, they got, like,
a plan B in the closet, man. And it’s a suit. Do y’all know
what I’m talking about? This [bleep] so tight. She came out of her closet. She was making these sounds.
The sounds. You know? “Ooh! Ooh!” And she picked up the dress
that didn’t fit minutes ago. -Guess what.
-Woman: It fit. It fit! This shit —
This shit is magic! She put the dress — Look.
[ Imitating zipper ] She look —
Look how she look — Look. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] She walk over to me. “Ooh!” [ Laughter ] She said, “Babe, come here. Help me zip this.” [ Laughter ] Married men know
that [bleep] a dilemma. “Zip this [bleep]” ain’t easy. I’m looking at the zipper
like how the [bleep] am I supposed to do
this [bleep] here?” The zipper
is looking at me like, “Look, no, unh-unh.
Wait. Wait.” She yelling, “[Bleep], babe!
Push the meat in!” I’m like, “What the…?” This is horrible! “Push the meat in”? We walk into
my cousin’s wedding. You had to see her. When they fit a dress like that, their ego is out here,
you understand? We walk into that.
She throwing [bleep]. [ Whooshing ] Like she getting married!
Everybody complimenting. “Wow! You look great!”
I’m like, “She’s lying! That’s a lie. There’s a suit under there. It’s a whole —
It’s a whole suit.” We got home from the wedding, and she hit the eject button
on the Spanx. Phyoo! Like she pulled the cord
on a life raft. You ever seen disgruntled
titties just pop out? Just — Woop! She’s standing there
scratching [bleep]. Just making sounds. “Ugh!” “Babe, I had a good time,
but I couldn’t breathe.