Carson Can’t Keep Up with Rodney Dangerfield’s Non-Stop One-Liners (1974)

(lively music with audience applause) – What a crowd, what a crowd, you know, beautiful, beautiful, no kidding. You look great out there. (audience cheer and applause) Thank you very much. I’ll tell ya, tonight it’s nice, we got a grown-up crowd too, you know? Yeah, I did a show last week
for a bunch of teenagers. And these kids carry on today, you can’t tell boys from girls. I mean the girls all wear slacks, fellas let their hair grow. I was talking to somebody and I asked him “Look at that teenager,
what’s that a boy or a girl?” He said “That’s a boy, that’s my son”. I said “Sure, you knew,
you’re his father”. He said “I’m not his
father, I’m his mother”. (audience laughter and light applause) I don’t know, I tell ya life isn’t easy. After a while you don’t
know who to believe anymore. The other day I was in my bank, they got signs all over there, “At this bank you have a friend”. Last month I was two payments behind. My friend took away my car. (laughter) I’ll tell ya with me nothin’
comes easy, nothin’, you know? Last week I saw my dentist,
another beauty, my dentist. And I said to him “Can
you put in a new tooth “to match my other teeth?” He put in a tooth with four cavities. (audience laughter and applause) I’ll tell ya last week
was a rough week for me, I broke up with my
psychiatrist too last week. For the first time I told him,
“I got suicidal tendencies”. He told me from now on I
have to pay in advance. (laughter) The first time I saw a
psychiatrist I felt like two cents. I was a kid, I said to
him “Doc can you help me, “all day long I keep thinking I’m ugly”. He made me lay on a couch face down. (audience laughter and applause) I tell ya when I was a
kid I got no respect. No respect at all, you know? The time I was lost on a beach, and a cop would be looking for my parents. I said to the cop “Do you
think we’ll find ’em?” He said “I don’t know kid, “there’s so many places they could hide”. (laughter and applause) And when I was a kid my old man, he didn’t help me either you know. The time I asked my old
man if I can go ice skating on a lake he told me to
wait ’till it gets warmer. (audience laughter) I’ll tell ya, sometimes
I can’t take it no more. Today I got two kids and
that’s rough too you know, you can’t talk to kids today. My boy’s birthday last week. Had a little party, brought out the cake, the kid blew out all the candles. I said to him “I hope
your wish comes true”. He said “If it does that’s the last time “you’ll watch me blow out candles”. (audience laughter) A smart kid I got you know. Like the last time I took
my kid to Coney Island I asked him “Wanna go in a crazy house?” He told me to save my
money, we’ll be home soon. (audience laughter and
applause with lively music) – That’s great- (audience applause) – Here we are out with
a couple of blondes. – Yeah, it’s good seeing
ya, it’s been a long time. – I always get a kick
out of comin’ out here, they treat you right over here. It’s one place they treat you right. You know, I leave the club… I closed this week in a club in New York but I’ll be back next month- – You just closed it, lock it up- – I locked the whole thing up for a week and I’ll come back next
Monday night, September 9th and tell my jokes again at Dangerfield’s. It’s always a kick to come out here. – Yeah- – I love it out here, I like
to go to Vegas too you know. – Do ya? – I’m goin’ to Vegas right,
for a couple of days. I always go over there,
you meet so many wonderful, wonderful people over there,
you just have no idea. (laughter) – Great, can you tell
us about a few of them? – Well, last time I was
there I met a lovely girl- Oh a lovely girl, Valerie DuBois. – Valerie DuBois- – Lovely girl, Valerie DuBois. In fact she told me to
call her VD for short. (enthusiastic audience applause) – Wonderful people out in
Vegas, really likes me. Oh, Vegas is really sweet,
they got the gambling there, the big hotels-
– Wild- – And nightclubs, what big nightclubs they’ve got there, it’s something. It’s really so different
than the places I worked when I broke in you know, tough places. – You worked in the little joints, right? – Ooh, I worked tough places you know. Places like Rosario’s Rocket Room? – Rosario’s Rocket Room, tough, tough. – Dominick’s Atomic Bar & Grill? Ooh, that was another one, sure. Ooh Dominick, he was tough,
ooh was he tough now. – Tough owner- – During the show he used to
yell at the acts all the time. One night a guy was
singing “Why was I born” and he yelled out not to sing! (audience laughter and applause) – That’s a real heckler,
Dominick bad news, yeah- – I’ll tell ya in show business
you gotta get the brakes, you gotta get the brakes Johnny. – I would guess so, yeah. – I never got the brakes never- – Really? – As a kid I never got
the brakes either, never. – This has been following
you all your life you mean- – I was rough when I was a kid. – When I was a kid the first
time I had my picture taken the pony threw me. (audience laughter) It’s another one I should’ve- You gotta try ’em out
of town, right, yeah- Can’t bring ’em in- – Take him on a road to
you, take him on a road. You gotta break him in. So you ever the feeling you’re
wasting your whole life? I don’t know, it’s not easy. I got no respect the day I was born. – Really? – No respect, the doctor
picked me up and smacked me, I found out the nurse, she
got a few in too you know. (lively applause and laughter) – We gotta take a break here,
but then we’ll come right back and find out how your health is, ’cause I’m always interested- – I feel like I’m doing
a magic act up here. – After this message of interest. (audience applause and laughter) – If you just happened
to tune in late, tonight- (audience applause) My guests are Ms. Doris Day, Carol Wayne and we were just listening to
the trials and tribulations of Mr. Rodney Dangerfield as a youngster. Sometimes I think you’re puttin’ me on but you did come from a rather- – Oh, I had a very-
– Bad background as a kid- – Very rough childhood, I
was a lonely kid too Johnny. Ooh, was I lonely-
– Yeah, lonely huh? Even in a park I had no friends. – Really? I remember the see-saw, I had to keep runnin’
from one end to the other- (audience laughter and applause) – That’s lonely, that’s sad. – When I grew up I was
lonely too, when I grew up. I couldn’t get dates with girls. – Girls didn’t- – With girls they go for a guy with looks, everything is looks, looks you know? But there’s things more
important than looks. It’s underneath what counts, soul, depth. That’s what’s important, not looks. Now how many times do you
take a walk in the street and you see a tall handsome man, walking arm in arm with
a short, fat ugly girl. I never saw that, did you ever see that- – Never saw that at all, never saw that. (audience laughter and applause) – Of course- – Probably had no soul,
or any depth there- – The looks don’t mean nothin’ man, I got a niece, an ugly
girl, she got married, she’s happy, she met an ugly guy. – Right? – And today they got two very ugly kids. – Ugly kids, yes- (enthusiastic laughter and applause) – In fact they’re all so ugly, in a family album they
only keep the negatives. (audience laughter) I’ll tell you what’s more important than looks is love, you gotta have love. – Love is important- – I got plenty of love in me Johnny. – That’s the main thing- – I love a lot of things.
– Love. – I love sports, I love
music and one of my kids. (audience laughter and applause) – How many kids do you have? – I got two kids, I love my kids. – Yeah, I know that- – You know I love my kids of course but our boy gives me trouble lately- – Yeah, really? – He’s at the age now
he copies everything. He sees something he copies it, this kid imitates everything you know. That’s why we got rid of the dog. (audience laughter) – I know they’re very
impressionable at that age- – It’s a peculiar feeling with your son standing
there with one leg up- – Yes I know what you mean, of course- – No offense, but when
we got rid of the dog, I was just kidding around, that’s all. – How’s your health? Are you in good health? – Oh, very good, very good. There’s no love in the house,
that hurts my health too. – No love in the house, oh-
– Sure- – Excuse me, we weren’t
ready to to health yet- – We weren’t ready to go to health yet- – Sure, there’s no love
in the house you know? My wife is an easy person to
get along with, you know that. Oh, my wife, are you kidding- I could tell you stories
of my wife sometime. Or else I might have a few drinks sometime I’ll start talking. – Really? – When I drink I talk, you know- My wife’s a cold person Johnny. – I’m sorry. – Her side of the waterbed is frozen. (audience laughter) Very cold place, I never got
love when I was a kid either. My brother got the love, he
was much neater than I was. My room was messed up, I didn’t care. My brother’s room was in order,
his towels lined up neatly, combs, brushes, hair’s
all in the right place, what does it mean, what is it today? He’s an attendant in a men’s
room, what does it mean- (audience laughter and applause) It’s embarrassing how your
brother works in the men’s room. People say “Hey Rodney, what kind “of work does your brother do?” I don’t know what to say, I tell them he’s in business for himself-
– Yeah, that’s good. – They say “Yeah, what kind
of business, a big business?” Well, “I’ll put it this way,
if he closed up tomorrow “a lot of people would suffer”. – That’s true. (audience laughter) – But the whole thing
is, you wanna be happy? Do the work you like,
that’s what you gonna do, the work you like, that’s important. Do the work you like,
and my friend the doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz-
– Ah, how is he- – He told me-
– How is the doctor- – The most important thing is never take your work home with you- – Love to take their work home- – A lot of times they take
their work home with them. – Right. – There’s a guy in my
neighborhood, a traffic cop. A traffic cop for 20 years Johnny, can’t forget he’s a traffic cop. Takes his work home with
him, it’s ridiculous. Makes love to his wife,
tells her to pull over. – That’s bad, that’s bad-
– It’s very bad. – But as long as you have your health, I suppose that’s the main thing. – Health is the most important
thing, you know that Johnny. Health, as you mentioned
before with tennis, I mean you gotta cut
out tennis for a while- – I do, yeah-
– But tennis is very good. When you get back in shape,
play tennis, it’s very good. I don’t play tennis, I can’t play tennis. – Why’s that?
– I’m not the tennis type. – With tennis you gotta be
rich and come from Connecticut. Hi, we’re taking Dad’s car. That’s deuce. I can’t do that stuff. (audience laughter and applause) Now with tennis, it’s good,
that’s how you lose weight. You burn up energy, you
lose calories that way. The doctors say all kinds
of exercise is great. You burn up energy, you
lose calories right? In fact doctors say when a
man makes love to a woman, he burns up energy, he loses 150 calories. I made love to a girl
once and lost even more. I lost 150 calories,
my watch and my wallet. (audience laughter and applause) But you gotta eat the right food- – Right, foods like fish-
– Very good, fish. – Fish is important-
– Sea food- – Brain food-
– Sea food, Johnny, very good, you know me, I love sea food. I don’t like sea food restaurants. – Oh really? – They got no originality,
they all got the same sign. The fish you eat today slept
last night in some bay. I’ll tell you when I order fish, I’m only interested in how it’s prepared. I don’t care where the
fish slept, if it slept, who it slept it, it makes
no difference to me at all. (laughter) In fact I think a fish
will taste much better if it was bad morally,
that’s how I feel about it. (audience laughter) – An immoral fish is probably better. – Fish is very good… I don’t like classy restaurants, those classy seafood restaurants. When you order lobster,
before they cook it why do they have to show it you before? Once I was out with a girl and
I was trying to impress her, I liked this girl too Johnny,
I took her to a nice place, had a few drinks,
relaxed, it was beautiful. I’m trying to impress the girl, it was nice, romantic, it was gorgeous. And then a waiter came
over “Are these two okay?” (audience laughter) When the lobster came
I was really finished. I was trying to impress
the girl how manly I was. I sat in a manly position,
I looked at her very manly, and then the waiter put a bib on me. (audience laughter and applause) – I don’t like classy restaurants. – You don’t like classy restaurants. – I like to eat at home-
– Home. – Home I don’t have to worry about a tie and a jacket, nothing. You want something else, no
big production, no waiters. You open the refrigerator
and see what’s around. I’ve got a refrigerator at home that I can’t forget, it’s very deceiving. My refrigerator, it’s always
full, there’s nothing to eat. We got in our refrigerator like
a half bottle of flat soda. A cup with a broken egg in it. (audience laughter) This broken egg has been
laying there for four months, just waiting for somebody to scramble it. (audience laughter) We have one bottle of ketchup that we use, then we have another bottle of
ketchup that’s almost empty. It’s been there now for a year and a half. (audience laughter) And there’s one thing
more in our refrigerator, a big pot takes up a whole shelf. And the only thing that’s in this big pot is a half a boiled potato. – It just sits there- And with my wife, since I met her every time I hear the same thing “Finish it, I’m only gonna throw it out”. Somehow I get the
feeling she only gives me to eat what she’s gonna throw out. What’s really annoying with my wife, the way she serves the meal. – Serves badly?
– It’s terrible. I mean you put down a steak,
how do you forget the plate? (audience laughter)


  1. "I was driving down the street, and I saw a sign outside of a strip club that said 'topless, bottomless'. So I went inside.There was nobody there."

  2. I love how Carson tries to transition to another topic, but Rodney isn't finished with the previous one, so he makes Johnny let him do more with the previous setup.

  3. When he was alive, I lived to see him on TV, Movies, commercials or anywhere because he could tell a clean joke about ordinary life and hit it over the moon every time.

  4. Johnny points his finger at the previous guest to move over and she’s gives him the “who you talkin to bitch” look and proceeds to continue her seated ovation.

  5. It's 2019 and I'm LMAO. Rodney was a national treasure. When you can get Carson to laugh uncontrollably (4:47) you know you're good.

  6. I would have love to have watched a talk show with Dangerfield as the host. He would never let the guests get words in edgewise but they would be cracking up, and so would we.

  7. All the old comics were priceless. These newer comics just suck. Not an original thought amoung them . just talk sex and drugs and tromp on Trump. Hell Trumps funnier than the comic these days .

  8. Just remember that this show was a slow night for Carson… and he may have not even gotten a 3.0 in the ratings.
    Currently the top rated show in the same time slot will be lucky to get a 0.3 in those same ratings.
    Late night TV is dead.

  9. I once went to a barbershop and rodney was there. I had to look at him, but quickly turned away and didn't say anything. He nodded his head and went on eating an apple. I have always thought that he nodded in gratitude for me not trying to talk to him or make a big deal. Also, he was eating an apple at the barbershop. It was on wilshire, I think on the sm side. Long time ago. He seemed exactly like what you see on tv.

  10. Its incredible to see Johnny completely lose control. He’s squirming the whole time because he was struggling to remain stoic … and realized it was a futile attempt!

  11. Just the other day…. I went to go see the ex. It was ok, we sat on the couch, talked about things. Then things began to warm up. Then she says, before you get any ideas…go walk the dog. I get halfway down the block, and I realize…we don't have a dog.

  12. Every comedian has their tick. Rodney was "adjusting his tie", Rickles was "uhh anyways" after the joke. I live finding comedian's ticks.

  13. The doctor picked me up and smacked me! , I found out the nurse, she got a few in too!!! NOTHING OR NOBODY these days comes close to Rodney..

  14. I saw him in person twice and both times my stomach muscles hurt for days. I don't think I've laughed harder

  15. "Rodney, you're going in for heart surgery, when will you be out"

    "If things go well, I'll be out in two weeks, if not I'll be out in 15 min"

    (his last one liner)

  16. I miss these guys sooo much…. They don't make em like them, they never did, that's why god took then too soon…😁😁😁❤

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